I rediscovered this old blog today. It's amazing how much of me hasn't changed, especially in regards to my inability to assert myself and speak up in a group setting, even among friends. This is a source of great despair for me, and always will be, perhaps. Here's my quick analysis of the problem, and a shot at a solution.
I see two parts to the problem. The first -- I am a coward. The fear of man plagues me, and makes me unwilling to publicly put my name on anything, lest I receive the criticism that invariably results. I am scared of failure and disrepute, and therefore say nothing. But in the Psalms, silence is a place:
If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. Psalm 94:17
The dead do not praise the Lord, nor do any who go down into silence. Psalm 115:17
If I am virtually living among the dead, crippled by fear and frustration, then I deny, by my actions, Christ's resurrection. Have we not been raised with him unto newness of life? Let us speak, therefore, and while we're at it, sing!
Beyond fear, the second cause of my silence is sloth. I hold my opinions all too lightly. This comes from simply not having done the homework to bring myself to hold any strong convictions about anything. I think, "Surely others have read more, from better sources, for a longer period of time, and can express it better, etc. No one needs my opinion." This is true of course in certain contexts, and humility is a good reason to be slow of tongue. HOWEVER, it is lazy to gain a reputation for wisdom merely by never revealing yourself a fool.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Proverbs 17:28
Often my humility in this area serves as a guise for laziness. If no one ever expects or depends on my opinion, it's hard to be rigorous about coming to a fully-formed conclusion and stay ready to defend it. But eventually the occasion always comes. Someone expects counsel from you about a certain situation. Another asks you what you think about a particular doctrine, scriptural passage, or current event. While we can never be prepared for everything and being knowledgeable about one thing does not make one an expert on everything, mushy answers help no one. Saying "I don't know" is sometimes a sign of humility and scholarly integrity, but for me it has been more of a negligence to come to my own conclusions. The scholar at some point must move beyond mastering the various opinions out there, and come to espouse his own. This is dangerous. It invites critique. But it really is the only way to help people.
Discretion, however, is a skill that needs to be practiced and attained. What better way to practice than a blog that no one reads? That is my solution for now. May the Lord develop my mind and organize my ideas to mirror those of his eternal Wisdom, that I might be a more faithful ambassador of Christ here on earth.
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